Feelings 

Feeling have a funny way of raring there little head back into your heart after thinking you had made them disappeared whether it’s locking that volt up and throwing away the key “forever” So quicker than I could scramble around to find the key to lock it back up!! that locked volt popped wide open to something that Ive never really had any understanding of why it got to the place it did.

So this is me dealing with a question I may never know the truth to, will this person ever read this probably not hes had no interest and want in coming and knocking on my door to tell me what I ever did that was so wrong for him to cut his eldest daughter out his life for nearly 3 years, so why write this well in some crazy way this is for my benefit,

I’ve only ever been able to go by what others have told me so when your told it’s because of someone else’s actions, your left even more confused and wondering if the whole father daughter relationship wasn’t as close as you thought it was, that i never really knew him or understood him and Vice versa.

So where does it stem from the day I got married!!

I don’t have much control over my life as much as I try to my body sometimes has different ideas so I tend to take everyday as it comes, most people think running away and getting married is romantic I guess others have a difference of opinion in this case, did we do it out of spite no we did our wedding for us no one else it was how we wanted it, was it meant to upset anyone of course not but you can’t help how others feel, I’ve always said if it was hurt that stopped my father knocking on my door I would have apologised THEN, now nearly 3 years down the line Different story!! 

This is my letter to my absent father…

When I was conceived you was there, when I was growing inside my mummies tummy you was there, when I was born you was there then within a blink of an eye you where missing from my childhood the why has never mattered to me. From a early age I fantasised about a father I didn’t know!! 

This man was my hero he was the greatest man you could ever meet, he was always there If i fell and scrapped my knees and elbows, he wanted to teach me how to ride my bike even if it took hours and hours, when I was sick he was by my side, when I scared he told me everything will be ok, he heal my hands and swung me around around till I couldn’t breathe because I was laughing so hard, when he hugged me he made me feel safe, he never missed a chance to kiss me good night and tell me “I love you”. 

In reality that’s where you should have stayed, you have walked in and out of my life from a baby to seeing me again at 7 for one day and promising me you will call to see me again, then leaving me sat on the bottom of my stairs for weeks waiting for that call that never came, then at 15 you walked into my life again (I’m still trying to work out why) like most teenagers I was angry at the world for different reasons, for every weekend you did come and picked me up I could see what I had missed out on a whole family and the way you looked at your other children with pure love, it just wasn’t the way you looked at me, at that time it was ok I could live with just knowing I finally had you in my life thinking it would come in time, in all honesty I’m not sure it really ever did and if you was honest with yourself you would probably agree, I was just the product of a drunken teenage Mistake after winning “its a knock out” 

If there was true love regardless of how hurt you may have been you wouldn’t have left it nearly 3 years to knock on your daughters door!!

Will you ever read this who knows I just know I’ve cried for the last time and moving my heart on, over something I may never understand…

Kerry x

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